A Breathtaking Story

A kindergartner wrote this for me this weekend:


I asked, "Can we go to the restaurant today?" Pa said "YES! We can go to eat steam boat." So I said, "YAY!" We went to the restaurant and ate. (Now wait a second. Please shake this journal uncontrollably and hum a tune because here's where the ridiculous stories start. You ain't seen nothing yet!)

After supper, dad went out to paid the money. He lowered his head to see where was the money. But when he raised his head, his face was purple. He was frozen a moment with his face purple. Suddenly pa shouted, "Wait a minute, I THINK I LEFT MY PURSE IN OUR HOUSE!!!!!!!" Pa rushed to his house and got his purse and rushed back to the restaurant. (Stop here a while too. Here's that ridiculous story 2 starts. Start hard-laughing here. This will be funnier than story one. You ain't seen nothin' yet!)

While pa was gone, Ma and I had were cocoa and coffee. I was reading a book about robots. Suddenly I raised my butt and BONGGG!! Out came my ridiculous fart. Then the girl beside our kitchen table looked at me. Ma tried to cover my butt. But then poison gas burst out of my butt. So Ma pulled me and whispered, "I am so shameful. How can you fart in a place where there is so many people?" Suddenly there was pa, holding his purse. He exclaimed, "Let's go!" So we paid the money and got in the car and went home, and now I'm writing these stories.

Now, don't believe me if you can't believe me. This was the truth, and I'm telling you the truth. I was just telling you a fun story, and that was all. Maybe I can tell you some more stories later. Bye!

A First Grader Writes Beat Poetry

As usual, the following is completely unaltered. Imagine some light conga playing and finger snapping, maybe a few candles are lit...


boat
looks like floating well
on windy ocean
clear ocean makeing many
waves. Going Automaticaly with
nobody on it. sailing
father... and farther...
AutoMaticly ~

A Kindergartner Teaches Me About Korean History

The following was written by a seven year old. I have not changed anything.



I read a book named . I think Sejong is the best king in the history. Sejong invented Hanguel, what I'm writing now. I think Hanguel is easier than english. Korean people used Chinese in those days, but that was too difficult. When people learn Chinese they have to memorize 1,000,10,00 words so Sejong made Hanguel that is much easier than Chinese. Sejong read lots of books when he was yeong. I think when I read lots of books, I can be a great person as Sejong. Sejong thought slaves were his people too, so he got rid of slavery and made slaves like Jang Yeong Sill work in the palace. If I be the president, I want to abolish stupid systems like Slavery. If foreign enemies invade Korea, I'll gather some strong, fast men and defeat those enemies. Most of all, I want to make easier language than Hanguel so everyone can read & write that easy language.

Mr. Kim's Adventures: Peeing Around the World

Last week I was at the sauna with another English teacher. As we wandered from one bath to the next, a Korean man waved us over and began explaining what kind of bath he was currently in. It took me a few moments to realize that he was not teaching me the Korean word for "Salt Water" but instead trying to say "ocean". It was pretty cool. We sat down for a visit and soon learned the man was named Mr. Kim.

Following the typical format of broken English conversation, we first established that yes, we were both American whereas Mr. Kim was Korean. Mr. Kim explained to us that he is a train engineer, or so I thought. Then he started telling stories. His first story involved being in the United States and trying to find a bathroom. He stood up in the salt water bath and made a pretty accurate charade of being a Korean man who needs to find a bathroom and speaks very little English.

His next story involved being in the Philippines. Again, Mr. Kim had to pee. Because this story took place after his experience in America, he had learned to ask for the "bathroom". But in the Philippines, apparently the bathroom is called something else. I think he said comfort room, but it could have been anything, really.

Then Mr. Kim told us about going to England. Once again, he was struck by the need to go to the bathroom. At this point I was a little concerned about being in a body of water with a man who has weak bladder that defies borders. In England bathrooms are called water closets. Mr. Kim learned more English.

But then Mr. Kim was in France, visiting his brother, I think, who might work there. They must have gotten separated because when the inevitable call of nature struck Mr. Kim, he was without verbal means of communicating his predicament. Now, having spent a few minutes with him, he seemed very capable of expressing the need to pee, but I've heard some French people are assholes. This is where I inserted some of my terrible French. "You needed to ask, 'Ou etait la toilette?'"

Mr. Kim was extremely pleased and decided that this knowledge on my part (despite my likely tense errors) meant that I was French. He invited my companion and me to a dinner party. So we left the Sauna with Mr. Kim. It was during the leaving of the Sauna that I realized he was tremendously drunk.

So then Mr. Kim took us out for dinner. We had Korean BBQ and beer and he told us more stories. From his business card I learned he is not a train engineer (although that may be a hobby) but an executive consultant for a design firm. Over the meal he also mentioned that he is a government certified chiropractor. Or possibly a specialist in aggressive interrogation.

Christmas Vacation Part II

For the second half of my holiday sabbatical, my parents came to Anyang to visit me. They arrived late and by the time they were transported from the airport and checked in at the Bobos Motel, it was hungry time. However after the half day of flying, my parents were unmotivated to make the journey toward one of my regular dining places. So we returned to a Korean BBQ joint I went to six months ago when I first arrived. Long time blog readers will remember me crying into my TOEFL study guide from the overwhelming spiciness.

So yeah, my folks' introduction to Korean food was some mysterious spicy chucks of stuff, likely squid based. The restaurant was packed, just like when I went there before. Apparently this place has got the market cornered on whatever it was we were eating and people flock.

Over the next several days, I toured my folks around Anyang and Seoul, stopping into a few favorite sites and sharing my terrible Korean speaking abilities. On Monday, the first day back from vacation, the parents came to school to meet some of my students. This day also happened to be the worst snow storm in seventy years, as was explained to me by a kindergartner who arrived half an hour late, on foot.

I was sorry to see my parents leave, but it would be just a few days before I saw them again, and my sister too, when MATT GOES TO SHANGHAI! Stay tuned...

Christmas Vacation Part I

For the first half of Christmas Vacation I did two things, which can be further divided into four and three things making for a total of seven things. I did nothing (which means I watched Lost, ate Korean food, slept in and wrote Dungeons & Dragons scenerios) and I went to Busan (which means I gambled, drank and ate raw fish).

Since we've probably all done nothing I'll talk a bit about going to Busan. The second largest city in Korea is at least as ugly as Seoul, but is also adjacent to the ocean. This means you have all the filth of a commercial and industrial port, too. Don't get me wrong, Seoul is an incredible city, but not an attractive one. Busan is its sleazy cousin Vinny.

I went with no plans and therefore had an extremely low-stress visit. I stayed in a Sauna and this being my first time spending the night at one of these places, I got to have the bizarre experience of waking up in the morning surrounded by passed out Korean families. I guess lots of people like the sauna so much they don't bother to go home at night. This place was called Vesta and it has an excellent outdoor bath on a balcony overlooking the sea. Naked, with a beautiful view, is hard to beat.

I also ate some seriously raw fish. Again with no plan, I walked into one of the fancier looking restaurants on the boardwalk just a stone's throw from the lapping surf. The place was packed with satisfied looking Koreans, which I always take to be a good sign. Several days later my parents would have an experience that would challenge this perspective, but that episode is for another post.

I pointed at the first thing on the menu which seemed to have its own category of honor. Then there was the usual combination of miming and piss-poor Korean speaking from me to confirm that this was indeed what I wanted to eat. It ended up being a multi-course feast of sashimi-like slices of fish, bowls of soup and salad, sweet cornmeal dollops, toasted sugar-crusted leaves(?) and an entire fried mackerel. Delicious and indulgent.

Besides this meal and losing money/gaining whiskey at a beach-front casino, my favorite part of the trip was probably the high speed KTX train. The ground was clear around the station I departed from, but then we went through some magic mountain and on the other side the whole world was powdered with snow. Also on the train there was a terrible poster of a woman holding a basket of apples in front of a giant smiling tomato(?) face. I had never been on a train before, unless you count that glorified amusement park reject that takes you from Newark into Manhattan, so the whole travel part was very novel.

In Part II, my parents come to Anyang.