A Kindergartner Teaches Me About Korean History

The following was written by a seven year old. I have not changed anything.



I read a book named . I think Sejong is the best king in the history. Sejong invented Hanguel, what I'm writing now. I think Hanguel is easier than english. Korean people used Chinese in those days, but that was too difficult. When people learn Chinese they have to memorize 1,000,10,00 words so Sejong made Hanguel that is much easier than Chinese. Sejong read lots of books when he was yeong. I think when I read lots of books, I can be a great person as Sejong. Sejong thought slaves were his people too, so he got rid of slavery and made slaves like Jang Yeong Sill work in the palace. If I be the president, I want to abolish stupid systems like Slavery. If foreign enemies invade Korea, I'll gather some strong, fast men and defeat those enemies. Most of all, I want to make easier language than Hanguel so everyone can read & write that easy language.

Mr. Kim's Adventures: Peeing Around the World

Last week I was at the sauna with another English teacher. As we wandered from one bath to the next, a Korean man waved us over and began explaining what kind of bath he was currently in. It took me a few moments to realize that he was not teaching me the Korean word for "Salt Water" but instead trying to say "ocean". It was pretty cool. We sat down for a visit and soon learned the man was named Mr. Kim.

Following the typical format of broken English conversation, we first established that yes, we were both American whereas Mr. Kim was Korean. Mr. Kim explained to us that he is a train engineer, or so I thought. Then he started telling stories. His first story involved being in the United States and trying to find a bathroom. He stood up in the salt water bath and made a pretty accurate charade of being a Korean man who needs to find a bathroom and speaks very little English.

His next story involved being in the Philippines. Again, Mr. Kim had to pee. Because this story took place after his experience in America, he had learned to ask for the "bathroom". But in the Philippines, apparently the bathroom is called something else. I think he said comfort room, but it could have been anything, really.

Then Mr. Kim told us about going to England. Once again, he was struck by the need to go to the bathroom. At this point I was a little concerned about being in a body of water with a man who has weak bladder that defies borders. In England bathrooms are called water closets. Mr. Kim learned more English.

But then Mr. Kim was in France, visiting his brother, I think, who might work there. They must have gotten separated because when the inevitable call of nature struck Mr. Kim, he was without verbal means of communicating his predicament. Now, having spent a few minutes with him, he seemed very capable of expressing the need to pee, but I've heard some French people are assholes. This is where I inserted some of my terrible French. "You needed to ask, 'Ou etait la toilette?'"

Mr. Kim was extremely pleased and decided that this knowledge on my part (despite my likely tense errors) meant that I was French. He invited my companion and me to a dinner party. So we left the Sauna with Mr. Kim. It was during the leaving of the Sauna that I realized he was tremendously drunk.

So then Mr. Kim took us out for dinner. We had Korean BBQ and beer and he told us more stories. From his business card I learned he is not a train engineer (although that may be a hobby) but an executive consultant for a design firm. Over the meal he also mentioned that he is a government certified chiropractor. Or possibly a specialist in aggressive interrogation.

Christmas Vacation Part II

For the second half of my holiday sabbatical, my parents came to Anyang to visit me. They arrived late and by the time they were transported from the airport and checked in at the Bobos Motel, it was hungry time. However after the half day of flying, my parents were unmotivated to make the journey toward one of my regular dining places. So we returned to a Korean BBQ joint I went to six months ago when I first arrived. Long time blog readers will remember me crying into my TOEFL study guide from the overwhelming spiciness.

So yeah, my folks' introduction to Korean food was some mysterious spicy chucks of stuff, likely squid based. The restaurant was packed, just like when I went there before. Apparently this place has got the market cornered on whatever it was we were eating and people flock.

Over the next several days, I toured my folks around Anyang and Seoul, stopping into a few favorite sites and sharing my terrible Korean speaking abilities. On Monday, the first day back from vacation, the parents came to school to meet some of my students. This day also happened to be the worst snow storm in seventy years, as was explained to me by a kindergartner who arrived half an hour late, on foot.

I was sorry to see my parents leave, but it would be just a few days before I saw them again, and my sister too, when MATT GOES TO SHANGHAI! Stay tuned...

Christmas Vacation Part I

For the first half of Christmas Vacation I did two things, which can be further divided into four and three things making for a total of seven things. I did nothing (which means I watched Lost, ate Korean food, slept in and wrote Dungeons & Dragons scenerios) and I went to Busan (which means I gambled, drank and ate raw fish).

Since we've probably all done nothing I'll talk a bit about going to Busan. The second largest city in Korea is at least as ugly as Seoul, but is also adjacent to the ocean. This means you have all the filth of a commercial and industrial port, too. Don't get me wrong, Seoul is an incredible city, but not an attractive one. Busan is its sleazy cousin Vinny.

I went with no plans and therefore had an extremely low-stress visit. I stayed in a Sauna and this being my first time spending the night at one of these places, I got to have the bizarre experience of waking up in the morning surrounded by passed out Korean families. I guess lots of people like the sauna so much they don't bother to go home at night. This place was called Vesta and it has an excellent outdoor bath on a balcony overlooking the sea. Naked, with a beautiful view, is hard to beat.

I also ate some seriously raw fish. Again with no plan, I walked into one of the fancier looking restaurants on the boardwalk just a stone's throw from the lapping surf. The place was packed with satisfied looking Koreans, which I always take to be a good sign. Several days later my parents would have an experience that would challenge this perspective, but that episode is for another post.

I pointed at the first thing on the menu which seemed to have its own category of honor. Then there was the usual combination of miming and piss-poor Korean speaking from me to confirm that this was indeed what I wanted to eat. It ended up being a multi-course feast of sashimi-like slices of fish, bowls of soup and salad, sweet cornmeal dollops, toasted sugar-crusted leaves(?) and an entire fried mackerel. Delicious and indulgent.

Besides this meal and losing money/gaining whiskey at a beach-front casino, my favorite part of the trip was probably the high speed KTX train. The ground was clear around the station I departed from, but then we went through some magic mountain and on the other side the whole world was powdered with snow. Also on the train there was a terrible poster of a woman holding a basket of apples in front of a giant smiling tomato(?) face. I had never been on a train before, unless you count that glorified amusement park reject that takes you from Newark into Manhattan, so the whole travel part was very novel.

In Part II, my parents come to Anyang.

This is my Kindergarten Christmas Play and yes, I realize those are not really Transformers costumes but we did the best we could

A Transformers Christmas Carol
Adapted by Matt
Based on the works of Charles Dickens and Hasbro.

Characters:
Scrooge: A mean old man who only cares about building robots and making money
Cratchet: Scrooge’s poor computer engineer and a single father
Tiny Tim: Cratchet’s son. He has a handicapped leg and walks with a crutch
Transformer of Christmas Past: A fun and kind Transformer
Transformer of Christmas Present: A sweet and loving Transformer
Transformer of Christmas Future: A wise mysterious Transformer

Setting:
Seoul, the year 2112

Scrooge sits at his desk writing. Cratchet sits at a computer typing and shivering. The three Transformer are lying on a table.

Scrooge: Hurry up Cratchet! We need to finish these robots by tomorrow.

Cratchet: I’m sorry Mr. Scrooge. It’s so cold in here my fingers can barely type.

Scrooge: You want me to waste money on heating? If you want it hot, go to Jeju-do!

Cratchet: But Mr. Scrooge, I never get a vacation.

Tiny Tim enters

Tiny Tim: Daddy! Merry Christmas Mr. Scrooge. Can you come home for dinner?

Cratchet: I have so much work to do.

Tiny Tim: But daddy, it is Christmas! Mr. Scrooge is so mean to make you work so late.

Cratchet: Tiny Tim, I am lucky to have a job in this tough economy. I will see you later tonight.

Tiny Tim leaves

Scrooge: So I suppose you want to leave early?

Cratchet: Oh please Mr. Scrooge!

Scrooge: NO! Get back to work.

After a moment the Transformers rise from the table

T-Past: Scrooge does not remember the true meaning of Christmas

T-Present: The Cratchet family knows what Christmas is really about.

T-Future: Scrooge will be sorry if he doesn’t change his ways.

T-Past: Look, they are almost finished with their work.

T-Present: Mr. Cratchet is leaving the factory.

T-Future: Scrooge is getting ready to go to sleep. He only cares for his work. Look how he sleeps on his desk.

As they say these things, Cratchet leaves and Scrooge curls up and goes to sleep on his desk

T-Past walks over to Scrooge. The other two Transformers leave.

T-Past: Wake up Mr. Scrooge!

Scrooge: What? Why are you still turned on?

T-Past: Mr. Scrooge, I am the Transfomer of Christmas Past. You have forgotten how important Christmas used to be to you. Look into the past…

A puppet show begins. As T-Past and Scrooge speak the puppets act out the scene.

Scrooge: Look, it’s me as a boy.

T-Past: Yes, you weren’t always so old and mean. This Christmas long ago saw you having fun.

Scrooge: I’m dancing. I look so happy.

T-Past: You were happy. You had friends because you were kind and gentle. What happened to you Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: I got serious. I started my own robot factory.

T-Past: But look at what you lost. Is it possible, Mr. Scrooge, to work hard without driving away everyone who ever cared about you?

Scrooge: I- I- I don’t know.

T-Past: Think about it Mr. Scrooge… Think about it…

Scrooge watches as the puppet friends slowly leave the puppet Scrooge. T-Past leaves and T-Present approaches him

T-Present: Merry Christmas Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Did I leave another of you turned on?

T-Present: I am the Transformer of Christmas Present.

Scrooge: It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a Christmas present.

T-Present: The real Christmas present isn’t something that comes from a store Mr. Scrooge. It is something that comes from the heart. Look in on your computer engineer Cratchet and his family…

The Cratchets come out. They do not see or hear Scrooge and the Transformer.

Tiny Tim: Daddy, what a delicious Christmas pigeon you cooked!

Cratchet: Thank you Tiny Tim. We are lucky. Many families cannot afford Christmas dinner. We should be truly thankful for Mr. Scrooge and his kindness.

Scrooge: But I’m never kind to Cratchet!

T-Present: Perhaps to see kindness in others, one must have kindness in their own heart.

Tiny Tim: I love you Father.

T-Present: The Cratchets are poor yes, but they are rich in love. Something you should learn.

Scrooge: This is making me sad. I feel so ashamed.

T-Present: Think about it Mr. Scrooge… Think about it.

T-Present and the Cratchets leave. T-Future approaches Scrooge.

T-Future: Mr. Scrooge, I am the Transformer of Christmas Future.

Scrooge: No. No more. I can’t be reminded of how terrible I am.

T-Future: I am not here to remind you of anything Mr. Scrooge. I am here to give you a warning. Look before you…

Another puppet show has started. Old Scrooge puppet is alone while lots of friends all around are dancing and playing.

T-Future: You still have your work, you do not think you need friends, but one day you will have to retire. Without your factory to keep you busy, the loneliness will be terrible.

Scrooge: No, please no.

T-Future: Change your ways Mr. Scrooge, you can choose to keep your cruel ways and be alone, or you can choose to open your heart to the Christmas spirit.

Scrooge: I want to change, I want to change!

T-Future: Think about it Mr. Scrooge… Think about it.

Scrooge leaves the stage. The Cratchets enter.

Cratchet: Merry Christmas Tiny Tim

Tiny Tim: Oh boy, Christmas morning. Do I get any presents?

Cratchet: Well… no, I’m sorry Tiny Tim. We do not have any money.

Tiny Tim: It’s ok Dad. I’m just happy to have a day with you.

Scrooge enters with the three transformers carrying presents and food.

Scrooge: Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas!

Cratchet: Mr. Scrooge?

Tiny Tim: Transformers?

Scrooge: Here Tiny Tim, these presents are for you. Cratchet, I have something special for you…

Cratchet: What happened sir? Why all of this?

Scrooge: Let’s just say that my attitude about Christmas has transformed. I want you to take a 2 week vacation with your boy to Jeju-do, I’ll pay for the whole thing!

Cratchet: Wow Mr. Scrooge, I guess there’s more to you than meets the eye.

Scrooge: Transformers, roll out. And Merry Christmas!

Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one!

Kids Say The Darkest Things

Today was Double Dark. The Topic? Suicide.

I was playing a joyous pop song for the first graders, rife with rich vocal harmonies and catchy instrumental hooks. One kids raises his hand and says "Teacher, this is the music that people will kill themselves." And another kid raises his hand and adds "This music makes a person aim the gun at their head and kill themself."

Even worse, earlier today my Kindergartners were leaving the church where we were rehearsing for the Christmas Play (more on this to come) when we passed a wedding decoration display. I asked one Kindy boy if he wants to get married one day. He says no and I say sure, it's a long time off. And then he says "I think when I grow up I will buy a knife and cut my throat."

After thinking about this for awhile, I think the kids in both situations might have been trying to use English idiom. You know, the way we'd say "I'd rather kill myself than sit through another Twilight movie." Kids hear a lot of expressions and don't always use them correctly.

Teacher, that is a good drawing of a flying ham

I have this running gag with one of my first grade classes. When I draw a picture on the board, they say in unison "Teacher, that is a terrible drawing." It's adorable and gives them a nice, safe way to lash out at an authority figure. Also, my drawings are terrible. For some reason today I was drawing a propeller and a jet engine. "Teacher that is a terrible drawing." Then this one kid says, and I'm sure he put a moment into constructing this sentence, "Teacher, that is a terrible drawing of a jet engine but a good drawing of a flying ham."

Also, this afternoon in another class I was helping somebody with something and another student raises her hand and asks what "so shitty" means. And I was like "What?" and she was like "So shitty, teacher? What that mean?" And I looked in her book and the word was "society" and you know, given all the weird special cases that exist in English pronunciation, I think she gave it a really good try.